I had the opportunity to attend an event this weekend entitled, "A Crash Course in Parenting." The two primary speakers are critically acclaimed authors, both have law degrees, both are teachers and both are mothers of teenagers. Julie Lythcott-Haims is the author of the award-winning "How to Raise An Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kids for Success" and Jessica Lahey is the author of "The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed, writes the bi-weekly column "The Parent-Teacher Conference" for the New York Times, is a contributing writer for The Atlantic, and a commentator on Vermont Public Radio. This was an enjoyable session that was also a bit of a reality check.
The speakers addressed the traps of over-parenting versus child-rearing. "When," they said, "did it become about the parents instead of the children?" Fair point! They stressed that our responsibility is to work ourselves out of a job. I shared that I struggled with the two ends of the spectrum ... For example, one of my sons had a competition over the weekend while my husband and I were at Parent's Day with our eldest. I prepared the materials for the younger son and reviewed his binder with him when I dropped him off at his friend's home the night before. As we discussed the details, his friend mentioned his own lack of organization and the work he still needed to complete, on his own. The speakers said that while the right answer was somewhere in between, the friend would likely be better equipped to handle difficult situations as an adult. "Hmmm," I thought, "Yes, he will know some things, but I'm hoping my son now knows how to create an orderly set of materials." At 14, exactly how much can he be expected to do on his own? Well, I'm game to let him have a try next go around. At least he has an example he can follow.
Life is filled with challenges, adversities and failures. Far more of these than, as parents, we tend to want our children to experience. Shielding them from these is disrespectful, I agree. There is a difference between the mother giraffe who kicks the baby when their born so they can rise and learn to walk and the mother who steps in to cover or prevent every possible mistake or the mother who told me that her job was to ensure her son survived until he was 18. A genuine middle ground can be found that sets our children up for both success and recovery or said differently, for both short term and enduring success. And in doing so they will understand that we loved them enough to give them the gift of training for both success and failure.
You see, I believe my children have an appointment from God and my job is to make sure they arrive, competent and confident.
When my son returned to his university after a recent visit, he requested brownies and chocolate chip cookies to take back with him. It was my pleasure to honor his request ;-)
Blessings.
Today's Photo: A mother's gift ...
"Children are not things to be molded, but are people to be unfolded." Jess Lair
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